Sandy Hook Lingerie Party Massacre (1999)

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From the producers of Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires and Blood Spurting Vampire Freaks comes this ultra-low budget softcore horror spoof, a loose parody of the I Know What You Did Last Summer films for the Draculina set. It stars cult favorite Debbie Rochon along with a bevy of frequently undraped young women with porn-sounding pseudonyms like Tanya Harsh, Di Di Delicious, and Mistress Persephone (appearing here as simply "Persephone"). As expected, its story line is merely an excuse for young nude breasts to be covered with buckets of stage blood, with the result falling somewhere between horror and very kinky fetish video. The plot, such as it is, deals with a group of strippers who vacation at a beach house not far from a reputedly haunted lighthouse. There's also a hurricane on the way and a killer with a hook for a hand who begins slaughtering the young lovelies in laughably unrealistic ways. There's a hot-tub decapitation, gratuitous tongue and nipple-piercing, unconvincing severed limbs, T & A-centered volleyball scenes, and a game of Twister, as well as some of the worst dialogue and acting on record. The phoniness, however, is part and parcel of the "Scream Queen" subgenre, for if the film were any more realistic, viewers might start to have their unusual taste for this sort of thing questioned. Even those who consider fellow softcore smut-merchants Seduction Cinema and Private Screenings to be purveyors of high art might raise an eyebrow at the bizarre nature of this and other films from Mr. Creepo Presents.